On and on and on

It's funny, the way that when you have bad news the natural instinct is to protect the person with whom you're sharing it, to soften the blow.

Or, maybe that's just me.

In any case, I find that I've been doing that a lot these days. Putting on a brave face, smiling, making the best of it. Here's what I think: there are times when there is no "best of it", or to put it more bluntly, some things are just awful with no good reason.

This week started feeling like a bad hangover from the week before. Hell, the month before. Changes all around, and none of them feel good. So, I'm doing a lot of waiting right now. Once the dust settles, hopefully I'll have a better handle on what it all means.

And, yet, I still have the strange sensation of being lucky. Of being in the right place at the right time, career-wise at least. On the personal end of things, I'm feeling anything but.

You can't have it all, I guess.

I want simple things, really. Just stability. The ability to see beyond the immediate. Faith in the long term of things.

None of this is looking likely at this particular juncture.

So, in the meantime, I'm trying to stick to all of the other decisions I've been making. And, for now, failing miserably it seems, much to the chagrin of those affected by my choices, I'm sure.

It's a process. I'll get there. Where ever that is.

The Shit Parade Continues

My oh my, it's been quite the day here.

I'll leave it at that for now.

Same-auld lang syne

So, the new year.

I thought about posting a recap of 2008, but to be honest, I'm not sure that I really want to revisit much of it. It was a hard year, to say the least. I'm trying to look ahead now.

We'll see how that goes, I guess. Right now 2009 is looking about the same as its predecessor. But, it's early, so hopefully that'll change.

The days around the new year were, well, strange. No other word for it.

I went around as if in a fog, constantly trying to remind myself that I was seeing things as I wanted them to be, not as they were. That none of this was real. Still, the escape did me some good, at least in the moment. Which made going back all the harder. And, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means--if it means anything, that is--and where I go from here.

This much is certain: I have some difficult decisions to make in the upcoming days.

Or, more precisely, I've made some difficult decisions. That's never been the issue. It's the sticking to them. I'm not sure why knowing something is the right decision doesn't make doing it any easier. I keep telling myself that at least I should be comforted by the fact that I'm not in a state of delusion. I'm doing all the wrong things, but I'm aware. As if it really makes a difference.

I'm teetering on the edge of something, and maybe the thing to do is just give in and let go.

Like a severed head that finishes a sentence

It's no secret that I'm not doing well these days.

It's been two weeks since I've known, one since I've been back here.

And, it's hard being here. But, really, it's hard being anywhere these days.

At this point, the only thing that I know is that I have no idea what I need. Or, to put it a clearer way: I'm a black hole of need, and I'm worried that I'm going to suck everyone around me dry. I'm afraid that I'm already doing it. Intellectually, I know that I need support and to be around other people. But, the reality is that I don't know how to even begin asking.

I want to tell my friends that I understand, I wouldn't want to be on the other end of the phone with me, either. I wouldn't know what to say. And, those that do, well, they've come by that knowledge in a way that I hope not to in a long while.

I'm learning, though. Or, trying. Whatever that means.

I'm being cryptic, yes. Mostly because it's just too hard to talk about and because, well, I really just don't know which end is up.

I'll be more coherent and articulate soon. Promise.

In the meantime, happy 2009.

May it be healthy.

So, this is Christmas

Spent part of yesterday with JB, helping him and his brother try to clean out the house they grew up in. It's a daunting task, to be sure, and after a few hours, they felt like they hadn't made a dent at all.

It stands to reason. Years and years can't easily be dismantled in a few hours time. With the discovery of each object or old photograph, there's another story to be told, another chance to bear witness. And, isn't that all we have, really?

Maybe that's why I'm writing. Not to make sense of everything, which seems more and more of an impossibility with the passing of each day.

No, it's not that.

It's simply for the record.

Ten Things I Think About Going Home on the LIRR Today

1. Maybe I should try writing again. Maybe that will help me make sense of it all.


2. Words and phrases that could describe my current state: anchorless, unmoored, adrift, underwater, raw, flayed, without a net. And, lost. Lost is a good one.


3. Fine, I was right about going into self-preservation mode. But, I also think that I was right to feel the way I did. So, I don't regret it.


4. This does not change a thing, really, but cannot be a bad thing. Right?


5. Sleep might help.


6. People can surprise you if given half a chance and if you let them.


7. I wish that I could stop thinking.


8. Saying thank you is insufficient.


9. I'm lucky in many respects. I have to remember that.


10. Breathing is a form of relief. I have to remember that, too.

Ill Advised Everything

The construction woke me up early this morning after a night of strange dreams punctuated by sleeplessness.

So, hours awake, wondering why, for once, I was remembering my dreams. And, wondering, too, if I'm doing the right thing in so many different circumstances.

Coffee.

And, more later.