Like a severed head that finishes a sentence

It's no secret that I'm not doing well these days.

It's been two weeks since I've known, one since I've been back here.

And, it's hard being here. But, really, it's hard being anywhere these days.

At this point, the only thing that I know is that I have no idea what I need. Or, to put it a clearer way: I'm a black hole of need, and I'm worried that I'm going to suck everyone around me dry. I'm afraid that I'm already doing it. Intellectually, I know that I need support and to be around other people. But, the reality is that I don't know how to even begin asking.

I want to tell my friends that I understand, I wouldn't want to be on the other end of the phone with me, either. I wouldn't know what to say. And, those that do, well, they've come by that knowledge in a way that I hope not to in a long while.

I'm learning, though. Or, trying. Whatever that means.

I'm being cryptic, yes. Mostly because it's just too hard to talk about and because, well, I really just don't know which end is up.

I'll be more coherent and articulate soon. Promise.

In the meantime, happy 2009.

May it be healthy.