The Shit Parade Continues

My oh my, it's been quite the day here.

I'll leave it at that for now.

Ill Advised Everything

The construction woke me up early this morning after a night of strange dreams punctuated by sleeplessness.

So, hours awake, wondering why, for once, I was remembering my dreams. And, wondering, too, if I'm doing the right thing in so many different circumstances.

Coffee.

And, more later.

Walking in the rain

Had drinks with TK last night, who earlier in the week had offhandedly joked about how I should move back to Boston. Which, of course, got me thinking about being back in Boston this past May, and how being there made me fall in love with New York afresh. Maybe it was that Boston was too small, and too much a part of the past for me. Who knows, really?

What I do know is this: walking in the rain, today, in Central Park, I realized that I'm still very much in love with this city. Even with the tourists, and the crowded streets, and the chance encounters, and the--at times --paralyzing loneliness. In fact, I think those are some of the very things that make me love it. Strange.

I'm remembering when I was much younger, and I'd go to visit D. He'd mock me mercilessly for being a tourist, because the minute I stepped off the grid, I'd be helplessly lost.

I still get lost off the grid, all these years later.

I think that I secretly like it that way. Perhaps it's the feeling of weightlessness that comes with being lost on a city street, or the thrill of not knowing what I might discover (after all, I found Bedlam that way in London).

There's always something to look forward to if you look hard enough.

Besides, finding my way back is never harder than hailing a cab.

Begin Again, Begin Again, Lie Down Across Her

Yes, I'm quoting Samuel Beckett [badly].

Krapp's Last Tape to be precise.

I never said I wasn't pretentious. It's just that it seems oddly fitting given the circumstance. To paraphrase further: strange now to think of that young whelp I once was.

So, yes, it's been quite some time since I've written, here at least. Which is not to say that much hasn't happened. Quite the opposite.

To wit: in the past two years I've moved house, watched several good friends leave the city, made some fantastic new ones, changed jobs, at times felt surrounded by sickness and the eventual recovery there from, even had my heart broken a few times.

It's the last point on that list that I'm stuck on at the moment, perhaps because the latest one is so fresh and was so hurtful. But, I think that it's important to take something from each experience - however unpleasant it may be. So, in this case, here's what I can take away: a cold water faucet that now works properly and the knowledge that, actually, I am quite capable of being in a relationship and not losing part of myself, as I had so long feared. Not a bad trade, really. The rest, of course, will take time. Luckily, that I have.

So, onward, to the next adventure. Hopefully I'll stick with the writing this time. I feel good about it.

I think.